This Month You'd Be A Year Old...

This post is a hard one. July is my baby's birth month and it brings up all sorts of emotions. I can't say for sure when his due date would have been but I know this, he would have been a July baby and I'll be honest I've been dreading this month.

He would be a year old this month and there are so many thoughts swirling around in my head. What would he have looked like? How big would he be? What would his smile look like? His laugh? Would he be a chunky baby? What color would his eyes have been? Would he have gotten my curly hair? Who would he have looked most like? There are so many unanswered questions about my precious baby boy that I'll never receive here on earth.

One day, I will see him in heaven and I will finally be able to hold him. I cannot even begin to describe to you how painful and harmful abortions are. This is a pain that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Every July will be a reminder of the fact that my baby boy isn't here with me because I chose to end his life. I murdered him and that is something I will live with for the rest of my life.

God is a God of redemption and He has already begun His redemptive work in me and I still will have to suffer the consequences of my sins. Some consequences last for a short amount of time and other times they will follow us until we die. My decision to have an abortion will follow me until I die and there will be constant reminders, big and small, that will make me think of him.

I'll be honest, I cannot wait until I get to finally meet him. Until I get to finally hold him and tell him how sorry I am and how much I love him. I cannot wait until the Lord calls me home so that I can finally meet my son, and I know that Lord is not finished with me yet. He's got big plans for me and I am more than willing to follow Him to whatever end. Knowing my baby boy is safe, that he's waiting for me gives me strength. Gives me drive and determination to reach other women who are considering abortion, who have had an abortion, and to help prevent women from ever getting into that situation. I know the Lord will use my abortion to bring Him glory. Only He has the ability to take what the enemy meant for evil and turn it around for good, and my favorite part, for the saving of many lives (Genesis 50:20).

While this month will be challenging, I know the Lord will bring me through it. I will stand firm in Him and I will take the time to mourn my child. And I can rest in knowing that he's in a better place. That he's with the Lord in heaven and that one day I will see him.

For those of you who are mourning your child, you are not alone. Rest in knowing that they are in heaven with the Lord and if you have a personal relationship with Him and live every day as best as you can following Him, you'll see your precious baby. Your baby is safe in the arms of the Father and He will watch over them. Your choice to abort them does not dictate whether they go to heaven or not. "God knows every heart that He's created. Like the hymn "Jesus Loves Me" says, "Littles ones to Him belong. They are weak but He is strong." Nowhere in Scriptures is there a single verse indicating that babies, even those conceived out of wedlock are unwelcome in the home of their heavenly Father. Rest assured that your little one is safe in the arms of Jesus" (Her Choice to Heal, pg. 142).

If you are in need of a good post-abortive book to read, I hight recommended Her Choice to Heal. It was what started me on my healing journey and it brought great comfort to me at a time when I was really struggling.

Her Choice to Heal: Finding Spiritual and Emotional Peace After Abortion: Sydna Masse, Stephen Arterburn: 9781434768728: Amazon.com: Books

I would like to share a poem of a human perspective on the aborted child's viewpoint from the book, Her Choice to Heal.

"Mommy, don't be crying, it's not hurting anymore

I know the choice you must have made

All of that is over now, but your pain remains

And lots of things will never be the same

I know you must have counted when my birthday would've been

I know at night you even hear me crying now and then

I know you'd do it different, if it was all to do again

Mommy, I'm beautiful, the angels here are too

And you must know that I forgive you

Mommy, Jesus told me that He loves you like I do

And Jesus wants to meet you

Mommy Jesus told me that He loves you like I do

And someday me and Jesus want to meet you."

Jesus loves you! Your child loves you!

You have the ability to meet them one day, should you choose so.

I know my baby boy will be waiting for me at Jesus' side when I get to heaven and I cannot wait!

Until then my love, I will tell the world about you!