Mother's Day

I wanted to write to you about the pain that Mother's Day can bring to a lot of people. Many people grieve the loss of their mother, many women grieve at the fact that they are still childless, and many mothers grieve over the loss of their child. While Mother's Day is a beautiful day to honor and love the mothers/women in our lives, it can also be very painful. And for those of us who have had an abortion, Mother's Day can be as equally painful. I don't want to diminish the fact that those of us who have had an abortion, whether forced or not, chose to end the life of our child. And the active ending of a life is a grief like no other. I understand the sensitivity of this topic, the anger, controversy, shame, guilt, and pain. I know it all too well, and at times, battle within myself if I am even allowed to grieve the loss of my child considering I chose to end my baby's life.

Here's what I know to be true, the God of the universe is a God that is full of mercy and grace. No matter what sins we might have committed, if we confess our sins, He is faithful and quick to forgive (1 John 1:9). God doesn't want us to be held captive by our sins! He wants to offer us forgiveness and with that forgiveness comes healing. Whatever Mother's Day might have brought for you, please know that God hurts for you. The Bible tells us that we are His children. And as a parent or if you're close to a friend or family member and have seen them hurting, you hurt with them. That is how our Father is described in the Bible. Yes, He is a fierce and just God who is swift in His justice, and He is a God full of compassion and abounding love (Psalms 145:8). He hurts when you hurt and my friends, those of you who have struggled in their healing from your abortion, God hurts for you.

This past Mother's Day was really challenging for me. I held it together for the majority of the day and then when it was just me and the Lord, I cried. I cried my eyes out, I cried my heart out. I can't remember much of the first Mother's Day post-abortion. I think with what stage of life I was in then, I was stuffing so much of my emotions and burring my abortion that I didn't really feel. It was kinda like going through the motions. I was there but wasn't. This previous Mother's Day, I was fully there and it was extremely painful. I went to Church and listen to the sermon and served during the second service. After Church, I was hunting down my friend to go have lunch and my pastor stopped me and ask if he could give me a hug. He knows about my abortion and so knew how painful this day might be for me. I was extremely thankful that he did that. He didn't have to, pastors are always busy running around speaking to everyone, and everyone seems to need their help. Yet, he took time out of his busyness to offer me a hug of comfort and acknowledgment because he could only assume how hard today must be.

If any of you know what it's like to suffer in silence, to wear a mask in some sense because those around you do not know the full picture it can be really challenging and lonely. I felt very alone that day in Church because even though I was surrounded by God-fearing individuals who loved the Lord, not many people know my story. (This is something I hope to share more with my Church). And when people don't know your story it's hard for them to show up for you. It's hard for them to truly understand what you're going through. As the day went on I drove over to my brother's house because my family was meeting there to spend time together. I picked up some Mother's Day gifts from my Church to give to my mom, grandma, and sisters-in-laws and in doing that felt a deep pain in my soul. I too am a mother and on that day I wasn't being celebrated. To be honest, not that I'd really want to be celebrated but there was something heartbreaking when I pick up those Mother's Day gifts for others and not for myself even when I too am a mother. I had a good time with my family and had good conversation but all the while I was holding back tears. I was holding back the pain that I was feeling.

In my car ride home, alone with God, I cried. I know, I really shouldn't be crying my eyes out while driving but there's something comforting for me when I drive in my car. When I got home all I could do was cry. I cried for my baby that I'll never get to see on this earth. I cried for that baby's future they'll never get to have. I cried for my own loss and heartbreak. I cried for the girl that thought an abortion would fix things. I cried for the people who have been hurt by my abortion. And in the midst of my pain and sorrow the Lord heard and answered my cries. He brought me comfort and He allowed the father of my child to reach out and wish me a happy Mother's Day. Now the story between my ex and I is one for another time, however, I will say this. It meant a great deal to me that my ex reached out letting me know he was thinking about me today and that he was praying for me. I had been crying to God probably an hour before that my ex would reach out and say something. I was in such pain and I wanted to know that my ex still cared for me and our unborn child. As I said, much of what's happened between my ex and me is a story for another time. My point in saying all of this is that God heard my cries of anguish and He being an all-knowing God knew that my ex reaching out was him simply offering a form of comfort. Now, might I add as I was crying and praying in my car that God would allow my ex to say something to me, I told the Lord that if he (my ex) didn't reach out I would be okay. Because I knew at the end of the day, I wanted the Lord's will to be done. If it was the Lord's will that my ex says something so be it and if not, I'd be okay. While much of Mother's Day was filled with pain I was reminded that even in our pain the Lord brings comfort (Job 6:10).

My friends, the Lord is the only one who can bring true and lasting healing. In Isaiah 53:3 it reads, "He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain." This was a verse that was coved much in my current Bible study, The Hem of His Garment, through Healing Hearts. My mentor shared with me the Amplified version which added in the word grief. My friend, Christ was familiar with grief. He knew it firsthand and in ways we will never be able to fathom. My friends, hear me when I say this, He knows your grief. Whatever grief Mother's Day brings to you, He knows and understands. We do not have to suffer alone. We do not have to grieve alone. He is near (Psalms 34:18). It is my prayer for you that you would lift your grief up to the Lord today. Surrender it over to Him and let Him bring you comfort and healing. We do not have to walk through this life alone.

If you are in need of help, please reach out to a trusted, friend, family member, mentor, pastor, counselor, etc. There are people who want to help you if only you're willing and brave enough to let them in. Let's not forget that going to the Lord should always be our first choice.